Harry Potter primed for product placement

J.K. Rowling says the next Harry Potter book, due out in July, will be the last in the blockbuster series. The books have already racked up something like $500 trillion in worldwide sales, not all of which can be attributed to the author’s friends and relatives. One imagines J.K. going out by cashing in as much as possible with a product placement version of Deathly Hallows. An excerpt from which might read something like this:

Chapter 2: Harry Meets His Roommates in Ft. Lauderdale
   “So, like, have you ever hung out down here for spring break before?” Daphne seductively slurped a Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite, her lips doing calisthenics along the rim of the can.
   Harry adjusted his Foster Grants. “My first time,” he said.
   Daphne giggled, snapping her Doublemint gum in time to the music blaring from Bose speakers in the hall. The song was “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce, available at Virgin Megastores everywhere.
   As Harry adjusted the cuffs of his Polo shirt and shuffled his Puma-shod feet, a dark figure appeared in a burst of smoke.
   The skulking form reached out with Rolex-adorned appendages that looked more like claws than human hands.
   Harry intoned: “Powers that be, protect this abode. You’ll harm us not as yonder toad!”
   “Ribbit!” said the warty creature as it hopped across a copy of Blender magazine.
   Daphne shrieked. “That was my fiance from Utica!”
   “But ... he appeared in a plume of smoke!”
   “So he likes to party. Don’t be such a narc!”
   Daphne cradled the toad in her hands. “Trey wasn’t a wizard. He didn’t even have a job since he got caught stuffing his pants with McDonald’s Egg McMuffins.”
   Harry’s head ached and his throat felt dry. “You wouldn’t have some Anacin or a Diet Coke, by any chance?”
   Daphne gently kissed the creature’s back. “We’d been dating for six hours, ever since he drove up this morning in his dad’s Toyota Camry. It was the first serious relationship I ever had.”
   “Look, I can remove the spell, change him back...”
   Daphne curled up on the floor, a broad smile on her Lancome-lacquered face as she licked the toad’s bumpy head. She cooed, “Whose my widdle green American Idol?”
   Behind the mirror, Sony video cameras recorded the scene for the wizards back at the Fox Television Network to air after all new episodes of House on Tuesday nights.

—Posted by David Gianatasio

February 8, 2007 | Permalink